


How to tame your Kaijin (for beginners) (otherwise known as oh no Ankh has another migraine)

by Gatoraiden



Category: Kamen Rider OOO
Genre: Gen, M/M, OH GOD OH FUCK, anyway stan tajador, i havent written in a while have i, i still havent seen much of OOO but im aware already its fine, late season OOO spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 12:16:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17080184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gatoraiden/pseuds/Gatoraiden
Summary: Kamen Rider Secret Santa gift. Late season OOO spoilers. Eiji's succumbed to the purple core medals, but he retains his charming personality. Perhaps that'll help him cope with the fact he's now a very threatening Barney. Ankh isn't very happy.





	How to tame your Kaijin (for beginners) (otherwise known as oh no Ankh has another migraine)

**Author's Note:**

> wwwwwwwwwwwELL hello AO3 and the toku fandom! Beautiful day to wake up and post this. I'd gotten an interesting prompt for Kamen Rider Secret Santa and I struggled a bit on what to write for it. So many options, and none of my ideas for a story really left me pleased. This is the only idea that did. I'm not very far in OOO but I wanted to write something funny to help distract myself from some personal issues lately. So! I took Eiji's really cool kaijin form and went, "what if but he was still Eiji in personality?" and it went from there.
> 
> I'm very nervous about posting this, I'm hoping it's enjoyable. Merry Christmas.

Eiji had succumbed to the cell medals. This was the worst possible outcome anyone could have thought of, and Ankh knew he’d have to think fast if he wanted to save Eiji.

Not that he wanted to because he’d miss him, but it’d be a waste to lose him.

The now transformed Eiji slowly walks toward him and Ankh prepares for what he’s about to pull. Eiji lifts his hands up in front of his face… and promptly screams. The scream itself is enough of a shock to almost knock Ankh flat on his ass but he manages to stand proud.

“Ankh…. Ankh?! Why do my hands look like this?” He looks down at his legs and then screams again. “And why do I - why am I…?” He sounds on the verge of tears. Ankh almost feels guilty looking at him, but he slowly gets his wits about him. This could be some sort of tactic to let his guard down… Though the way he was floundering around filled his existence with a deep shame.

“Calm down fool. You could hurt yourself or me if you keep freaking out like this.” He slowly approached, just keeping his eyes peeled for any suspicious movements. Even though every movement he does like this is pretty suspicious.

“But Ankh, I think that’s pretty hard to do considering I’m now like… you!” The way he says that makes Ankh feel a bit ashamed of himself. “Uh, I’m sorry. Not in a mean way, I mean like-” The bird’s had enough and he reaches forward to grab onto Eiji’s… ear? He doesn’t even have any. He grabs onto the ridge on top of his head and pulls him.

“We’re getting you to… I hate to say it, but we’re getting you to Hina’s. Don’t talk. If anyone asks, you’re a cosplayer. If they ask from what, say it’s something western.” Eiji had started to mellow out already, but he could tell it was going to be a difficult trip to get him to safety.

…

The train ride was probably the single worst thing Ankh has experienced outside of the fact he got obliterated. It wasn’t packed full of people, but it was enough that most of the seats were taken. He sat there in complete silence next to Eiji. The scaled, dinosaur’d up Eiji. He was keeping his head down and the duo hoped that nobody would talk to them.

The train was dead silent and the bird Greeed preferred it that way. The most awkward part was the fact every single person on that train was just staring them down. He felt like he was going to combust. He was use to getting some looks from people on account of his admittedly gaudy hair style when possessing Shingo, but this was a whole beast of its own.

A child stands up and in turn Ankh’s stomach drops. He walks over to Eiji and looks at him. He couldn’t have been more than 7 years old. “Hey… uhh… lizard person, what are you?” Ankh is prepared to step in but Eiji’s already talking.

“I’m a western.” He pauses and internally cringes. “I’m a… mascot.” Eiji’s head perks up. “Yeah, I’m a mascot. We’re testing out outfits and I got… stuck. So we’re going somewhere I can get it taken off, you see?” And he pats the kid’s head. The kid seems unimpressed.

“It’s an ugly outfit.” He says and then leaves, leaving Eiji in the dust. Ankh wants to laugh in his face but Eiji just droops in sadness.

“He called me ugly.” Ankh pities him and pats him on the shoulder. He didn’t wanna tell him that the kid was right.

…

“... And so Hina, that’s how I’m like this now.” Eiji just finished explaining his ordeal to her, holding an ice pack onto his head. As soon as he had walked in Hina immediately went on the defensive and took a chair to his head. It wasn’t even close to being a pleasant sensation and Eiji hopes he’ll never have to feel it again.

Meanwhile, Hina is pacing around in anxiety. Trying to think of something as fast as she could. The front door of the Cous Coussier swings open and the trio turn around. They had completely forgotten that they were still in front. A woman walks in with her child and they halt upon seeing Eiji.

Eiji waves sweetly. The mother screams in horror and drags her child out the front door to run away. “That’s fair!” Eiji yells after them. Hina immediately grabs him by the shoulders and forces him into another room.

“No, no, we cannot have you out in the open like this. You’ll scare everyone you meet off and I have a feeling you’re not exactly use to being a… dinosaur?” Hina looks him up and down in confusion. “I think it’s a dinosaur?” She looks at Ankh who nods in confirmation. “Of all the things you had to be… a dinosaur…” Eiji raises his arms to the best of his ability.

“Did you think I wanted this? Any of this?!” The ice pack just falls to the ground before Eiji attempts to pick it up. And knock over something in the process with his shoulder. “Sorry. Don’t take that out of my paycheck.”

“This is seriously the most pathetic showing I’ve ever seen.” Ankh rubs his forehead in an attempt to fight the ongoing headache that’s been plaguing him since this day has started.

And yet he envies him.

After all, he has a full Greeed body, and Ankh is still just stuck as an arm playing puppeteer with a near corpse. It’s hard on Eiji, but by God does Ankh wish that he were him right now. “You, do you know how to turn him back?” He was grabbed by the shoulder and forcibly turned to face the justifiably fed up woman.

“Not exactly. Greeed thrive on desires, but he doesn’t really have any. That’s how he can transform, but this is…” They both turn and look at him. 

“All I’m going to do is scare people away aren’t I?” Eiji sulks, letting his head bump the small table they were next to.

“No, no, in fact I just had an idea on a way to let you walk through the building freely.” She places her hands on him awkwardly but still manages to give him a hug. “It’ll be temporary but I’m sure it’ll work.”

The next day Eiji is out front spinning a sign. Ankh is perched in a tree, watching him stand there and try and spin it multiple times in a row without dropping it. He fails but he’s getting better at it. Each time he manages a few in the row he looks overjoyed. Like she said, this’ll be temporary and it’s only to let him manage to walk in and out of his own housing. It’s absolutely better then nothing, but Ankh feels like they’re wasting time.

_So you’d make him fight even like this? Pathetic. He can barely hold cardboard and you want him to put his life on the line?_ Ankh furrows his brow and groans in annoyance. This wouldn’t have happened if Eiji weren’t some saint who wanted nothing in return.

This wouldn’t have mattered to Ankh if he didn’t care about him.

Caring for someone was such a foreign notion to him. He’d care about people in the same way someone’s boss would care about their workers. It’d suck if they left, but they could get someone else. Hina was different. Eiji was even more different then her. Eiji was…

Eiji manages 5 spins in a row. “Finally!” He screams in victory. Ankh pushes aside his feelings and decides to just watch for now. 

…

Ankh was trying to sleep later that night. It was hard to relax seeing as he was busy trying to think of ways to try and get Eiji back, but he managed to doze off eventually.

He was woken up by Eiji as soon as he managed it. He growled in annoyance and turned to face him. “What is it? I’m trying to…” Eiji couldn’t exactly emote well like this but he could tell that he wasn’t exactly in a good mood. Sadness just radiated off of him. “Fine, what is it?”

Eiji just laid close to him and let out a laugh. “I bet you wish you were in my situation right now, don’t you?” Ankh was silent in response. “Let me tell you… it’s not for me. I… can still feel wants, desires, but everything feels like it’s going through a filter. It’s like a fever dream that I can’t wake up from.” He’s clutching Ankh’s arm now. Ankh allows it.

The way he asks his next question is what gets to him. “What if I can’t turn back?” The Greeed sits up and looks down at him. “I mean, I can’t help people like this. I’d either scare them off, or I could go berserk, or just hurt them by walking around-”

Ankh puts his hand over Eiji’s mouth and he tries to calm himself down. He fails. “Do you just not care about yourself? You’re worried for other people even now?! Look at yourself. You can’t be of use to anyone like this, but you’re still prioritizing helping others over helping yourself!” He’s admittedly fuming right now but he doesn’t shut up. “Sometimes you have to learn to focus on yourself. Put your own needs above others. Yet even like this… you…” He’s so frustrated that he could combust.

Eiji stares at him in silence before gently putting his hand on Ankh’s. It’s scaled, but its soft. He moves his hand down and just gazes at him. “You’re afraid for me then.” Ankh last ditch tries to save his image.

“Of course I am. I’m stuck with a Greeed, the symbol of desire, that has no desires. You’re a paradox. I’m never going to get my Core Medals back at this rate.” Oh does Ankh try, but it’s too late for him. Eiji manages to wrap his arms around his hips and bring him in close. Ankh freezes up.

“I have desires. I have the desire to help everyone I meet. Even if I’m like this forever, I’ll find a way. There’s always a way.” He sounds tired. “And I still want to help you. Even if I can never be a human again.” Ankh clenches his fist and he swears that he could make himself bleed from how hard his nails are digging into his palm.

“Just go to bed, Hino.” He mumbles despite knowing Eiji already passed out in his lap. He’s never been this furious before. He’s never been in love before.

That’s what it is. Love. He curses himself for spending so much time with him, for spending so much time in this body, for letting himself get this soft. He rests his hand on top of Eiji’s inhuman head and just lets himself absorb everything that’s going on. Ankh laughs dryly before he lays back and finally falls asleep like a rock.

“You have desires, huh… doesn’t sound like it.”

...

When Ankh wakes up Eiji’s gone. He swears the anxiety attack that hits him is strong enough he could almost kill him. He leaps up and runs out the door to see a familiar face.

“Ankh!” Eiji waves, grinning ear to ear. He’s back to normal-ish. The one thing that’s getting to Ankh is the fact his left arm is still scaled up and plated. Eiji’s follows his line of sight and laughs. He walks over and grabs Ankh’s right arm, locking fingers with him. “We match now. Isn’t it cute?” And he smiles like nothing the previous day had happened.

Ankh’s mind is a blank.

“Hey, Ankh… you look kinda… hey-” With a dull thud, he hits the ground, unconscious. If it was stress, exhaustion, utter confusion, or all 3 we never know (Ankh refuses to disclose it out of his pride.)


End file.
